Here’s my favorite riddle:
Am I a sad bastard because I listen to Death Cab for Cutie* or do I listen to Death Cab for Cutie* because I am a sad bastard?
*Also see: The Decemberists, anything that’s ever been on a Grey’s Anatomy episode, Elliott Smith, and many, many more.
So. Here are my playlists on iTunes:
Best of Pearl Jam
Breakup Music
Goodnight Moon (sleepy-time music)
Hardcore shit
Sad Bastard tunes
Sexy songs
You Know What**
**Denotes vibrator music
The underlying theme? I listen to a lot of sad music. In fact, the playlist I listen to most is “Breakup Music,” because I was going to make The One To Whom We Try Not To Refer To (aka Voldemort, aka The One That Got Away, aka The Love of My Life, aka The One Who Broke My Heart, aka All 130 Pounds of Him) a breakup cd, but I think making him two get-back-together cds (Aptly named “Dave Now” and “Dave Valentines,” in addition to making him the Best of X, which is sometimes sad bastard) was probably sufficient.
I know, I know. I shouldn’t do this. I already had my mom “yell” at me earlier (more of an [sigh] “Oh Molly. Just MAKE yourself get over him.” Thanks, Ma. What helpful advice…at least she is sending me a few scarves and hats for the forthcoming winter) for dwelling on and second guessing this whole breakup. Well, fuck. I was in love. I still am. It doesn’t just disappear like the many Newcastles I had tonight did.
You know what really kills me? My eyes. They literally hurt. Whenever I close them. I think it’s my subconscious, because when I sleep, I dream of him. All sorts of hims. Usually good ones. So I’m reluctant to fall asleep, because when I do, he’ll be there. When I wake, it’ll just be me and the pillow body next to me (I’ve always HATED body pillows, but more than once this summer, I’ve considered getting one). And Chester. God bless my bear.
So what do you listen to when your heart turns to black and all you can do is smoke cigarettes, do shots of his whiskey and drink “your” beer? Use your raspy voice to sing along in the mornings, when no one else is around, and take a long time getting dressed, trying to remember to wear lipstick, because you can now, there’s no one’s face or lips to smudge it on. And not know whose white undershirt it is exactly when you go to sleep. And try to sleep on both sides of the bed, or at least in the middle, although a queen is a lonely thing sometimes. And try to forget, forgive and move along.
But, dear reader, if you find yourself wallowing in pity and trying your damnest not to myspace-stalk someone whose heart still hovers in yours, listen to my breakup songs, and see if you find some comfort, some answers, and the realization that other people hurt, too*.
*But not in that gay, Michael Stipe-R.E.M. “Everybody Hurts” way. He’s just whiny.
The Scarlet Tide – Allison Krauss
Breath (2 AM) – Anna Nalick
What Can I Say – Brandi Carlile
Stay or Leave – Dave Matthews
Highway One – Dead Rock West
State Street Residential – Death Cab for Cutie
It’s Just That Everything I Try to Do, Nothing Seems to Turn Out Right – The Decemberists
The Engine Driver – The Decemberists
Jolene – Dolly Parton
No Name No. 5 – Elliott Smith
Good to Go – Elliott Smith
Sullen Girl – Fiona Apple
I Know – Fiona Apple
Know When to Walk Away – Jay Clifford
Last Goodbye – Jeff Buckley
The Fear You Won’t Fall – Joshua Radin
Love Will Tear Us Apart – Joy Division
Nowhere Warm – Kate Havanik
Clean Getaway – Maria Taylor
Inside Job – Pearl Jam
Hold On – Pearl Jam
Crown of Thorns – Pearl Jam covering Mother Love Bone
3 Libras – A Perfect Circle
Paint’s Peeling – Rilo Kiley
Please Read the Letter – Allison Krauss and Robert Plant
Feel It Coming – Sara Melson
The Difficult Kind – Sheryl Crow
Three Seed – Silversun Pickups [OUR song. Goddamnit.]
Where Does the Good Go – Tegan and Sara
Getaway – Train
Around My Heart – X
